New Video

Pema Chodron

"The only reason we don't open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don't feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes."
- Pema Chodron

Peace

I feel very at peace now and i hope that moment doesn't pass too quickly. I'm watching "Seven Years in Tibet" and loving the way the portrayed His Holiness the Dalia Lama as a child! I've been studying the Dharma (teachings of the Buddha) for about a year now but I'm not ready to dive head first into the practice of Buddhism right now. I do call myself a "Buddhist" but its not true. So now, i just say i study the Dharma .


"An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind." ~ Buddha

**Listening to A.F.I.**

So things in my life have been going rather oddly lately. Seems like this time every year i start running into people from my past. This is usually a good thing but sometimes its a bad thing. I'm almost starting to believe that the reason i don't remember much from my high school years is because i blocked most of it out. I joined the Army and moved to Germany for a reason, i think that reason was to run away to a place where know one new me. People judged me for who i was then and there, not for what i did in my past. Of course i did share some of the not so found memories of my past with my "brothers in arms", and they still loved me for what i had become. Its to bad not everyone could feel that way.

So here i sit, I've been back in Indiana for about four years. Things were good at first but now it seems like its time for me to run again, and this time, never look back. Of course one of the true test to my future will come this weekend, i just want to see how it plays out and how it feels. I'm still sure that no matter what happens, i won't be happy here in central Indiana. Everyone knows i've alway hated it here, probably blogged about it. Oh well, this next year is going to be fun, i'll see to that ^_^

Quote

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." ~ Siddhattha Gotama

Circle of Suffering

You know, it seems that every time i start to put faith in someone that they might be a little bit sincere with me, it blows up in my face! Of course my gut told me talking to this girl was wrong, i let her talk me into it. Have i actually gotten that lonely? Sadly, i think i may have.

Its the job man! It really has sucked the life out of me! Shit, I'm here sitting at home, bored out of my bloody mind and i get to wake up in the morning and be a slave to the telecommunication industry once again! I think that's whats driving me back in the Army. I never did want an ordinary life. It was nice always having someone to talk also. All my mates have seemed to become just as involved with their own lifes that i have with my job. Of course most of this is all my fault since i put myself in this place when i got my DUI. God how stupid i was and i never want to put my family through that every again! Ok, starting to ramble, gtg!

Thank god i'll be leaving for germany on saturday!

4 days and a wake up until I leave for Germany!!!

You know

Honestly, being here, in this place..makes me feel really alone. Always had a hard time fitting in here, hasn't got any easier i must say. Just seems like when i go to other places i have zero problems meeting people. I guess people are just scared of that 1/4 Mexican in me ^_^

Don't ask me why but pictures of people in relationships make me sick.

Work

By the time i get a day off it will be sixteen days straight! I'm hoping i can pull his off without going crazy! Its bed time so I'll post more later. Shout out to Jen if she's reading this!

My Favorite Playlist!

1. Bad Religion - Incomplete

2. Rancid - Avenues @ Alleyways

3. Dropkick Murphys - Heroes from our Past

4. NoFX - Together on the Sand

5. NoFX - The Brews

6. Black Flag - Nervous Breakdown

7. The Distillers - Sick of it All

8. Bad Religion - Let Them Eat War

9. Hole - Jennifer's Body

10. The Exploited - Sex and Violence

11. Fear - I Love Livin' in the City

12. Bloodhound Gang - Kiss me where it smells Funny

13. Social Distortion - Highway 101

14. NoFX - Kill all the White Man

15. The Offspring - The End Line

16. Bad Religion - Leave Mine to Me

17. Nine Inch Nails - March of the Pigs

18. Ministry - Burning Inside

19. Rancid - The 11th Hour

20. Motorhead - Motorhead

21. Dropkick Murphys - The Fortunes of War

22. The Sex Pistols - Submission

23. Beck - Soul Suckin' Jerk

24. Soundgarden - Let Me Down

25. Bad Religion - Los Angeles is Burning

26. Social Distortion - When the Angles Sing

27. The Misfits - American Psycho

28. Dead Kennedys - I Fought the Law

29. Primus - Fish On

30. Rancid - Daly City Train

Increased Load?

So those of you who know me know i work my ass off because the company is trying to get every dime they can out of us before our contract is over. We just received word today that they are increasing the load at work. Got to love corporate America!

Today

You know I'm starting to realize that there is something really wrong with me. Today at work i went to taco bell with my boy Greg for lunch. While we were eating a really beautiful girl came up and started talking to me about where she could get some booties that we used to cover our shoes in someone house. I really didn't say to much because i was kind of shocked at such a question. In the parking lot i hollard at her to see if she wanted a couple and of course she said yes. So i gave her a few and that was the end of it.

Now i know me and two years ago i would have at least tired to get her number and scored a dinner date. It seems this job has sucked the life out of me because all i want to do after work is chill in my room and then go to sleep. Also i know i don't really have the money because all the money i have needs to be saved to go see my kids. I disappointed them last year when i didn't show up and i don't plan on doing that again. Still, i have to wonder what is wrong with me these days! I have zero motivation to do anything anymore!!


Cheers to working 12 days in a row!


J

My Kids

The Past

So i was talking to my old friend Ginger today and she kept bring up stuff about me in highschool. Stuff i said that, well quite frankly is rather embarrassing and the way i acted. Do people really believe that i am the same person i was ten years ago? I have grown so much in the past 5 years along, not to mention the five before that. I wish for once people would ask how I'm doing and how my kids are instead of just thinking about the past.

Speaking of the past i do notice that i have a hard time remembering things from when i was in highschool. I remember most everyones faces and a few things about their personalities but that's it. Jennifer tells me stuff all that time that i have no recollection of. Was it the massive out i drugs i did in the two years after highschool? Could it be the massive amount of events that i have taken place in my life over the past six years? I think its more of the lader to be honest with you all. In the past six years I've pretty much stopped doing drugs, joined the military, went to Germany, fought in a war, become of father of two beautiful kids and built new experiences and memories through out. Highschool never was that important to me and i could care less about most of it. I've already decided that I'm' not going to any of my reunions. I figure that I'm already in touch with everyone i want to be in touch with and if i run into the others great! Who knows were i will even be then, right now I'm just hanging on until April when out union contract is up...

The Day

Its funny how much of a pussy i am about things in my life. Today for example. I had to go back to one of my former customers houses to to add a box. I was rather excited because she was pretty cool from what i remember and i was thinking about asking her out. I would have the first time but i was with someone during set time. Once i get to my customers house she actually remembers me! Sadly later i found out that she is now engaged, missed my chance. I would like to say that i shrugged my shoulders and said, ok that's life, but it actually bugged me for a few hours at work. I guess I'll just have to take more action when i think i should. I do believe i still made the right choice the first time around because i wouldn't have wanted to cheat on my girlfriend at the time, even though she ended up cheating on me ^_^

Lately I've been finding myself listening to a lot of Bad Religion and for what reason i don't' know. I wish i could expand my musical influnces more but i'm rather closed minded to a lot of new music i hear these days. I'm waiting for the death of the emo scene!

Only two more months untill i get to see my kids again!!! I can't wait i missed him so much. Its going to be a ruff trip though since they really don't know me anymore. I started to write them a letter but i never got very far with it. The things i have to write about are not the things i watn to write to my kids. I mean do i really want to tell them how i spent the weekind drinking with Grant and playing x-box? Thats usually my life right now though i am wanting to change that asap! Not that i don't like hanging with Grant or anything but i'm wasting away my weekends doing with that. Maybe i'll see if Troy wants to hit up the bars next weekend.